"Welcome to Walmart - Get Your S#!T And Get Out"

(Yes, the title is a quote from Jeff Dunham's pal Walter)

        Okay, I love Walmart as much as the next person, I suppose. The Super-Walmart nearest to me gets my groceries and shopping money at least twice a month. Obviously, as Christmas approached and their huge holiday selection came upon us, I made mental notes of what to get and when.

        I've had the same tree (artificial, of course) for two years now, and its pre-lit, so all I need to do is set it up and hang the ornaments. I know some of you are thinking that it isn't the same as a real tree. I know this, but owning an artificial tree is less expensive in the long-run than buying multiple real trees. Besides, I have a new puppy and I wouldn't want her getting confused about what the tree was for.

       So, there I was in Walmart: taking care to choose the outside lights for my porch, and I go to find Ornament Hooks for the ornaments I've already bought. They have four entire rows, on both sides of the row, exclusively for ornaments. Ornaments of every size and shape one could imagine. Some so beautiful you wonder how they can sell them for so cheap. ( Others so hideous, you wonder how they got off the assembly line, or who would ever buy them, but as variety is the spice of life you just hope no one you know buys them and asks your honest opinion. ) For rows of large ornaments, small ornaments, stars, angels, and sock-puppet stockings for the fireplace. Ten rows total of Christmas supplies, from candy-cane outdoor solar spikes to icicle lights for the front awning. From twenty-foot-tall air-inflated dancing snowmen to little glass unicorn ornaments... And not a single ornament hook. Not a single ornament hook display. Not a single ornament hook mini-side-section.

      After looking for about a half-hour through all ten Christmas rows, I spotted a Walmart employee and had my girlfriend go ask if they were out of stock. She comes back with a confused look on her face: They're not out of stock, they just don't carry them. I know what you're thinking: Well, they're not expected to have Everything, right? And I agree whole-heartily, except for one tiny detail: Every single ornament in the Four Rows of ornaments, every single box of ornaments sold by them required Ornament Hooks. Not a single box came with its own.

      For those who are still decorating your tree, or looking for ornament hooks in unusual places, remember what I remembered at a time like this: When I was a kid, we used paper clips.


                         Box of plain silver paper clips: sixty-seven cents, plus tax.